A dead end?

I am

seriously

sick

and

tired.......................

I am....

starting to feel tired.

Its getting harder.

I have doubts.

I did lotsa thinking.

Is this really what i want?
Will i be happy?

I don't know.



I mean, i don't even know what i want.

Doraemon

At times, i seriously hope that HE exist in reality.
I wish that i can be like Nobita and have him beside me.
Granting my wishes.
Helping out with my problems.
Having fun in the most ridiculous and impossible ways.

But all i need now is the Time Machine.
To lead me back to the past.
To undo the wrongs, redo the rights and do the things that was suppose to be done.

Closing a chapter of a story will leads you to another.
But by the past chapter, you will see and realise things that you never did then.
Things that you should and shouldn't have done.
How can we be sure to be able to re-read the chapter without feeling regret?
When will the day come where i can proudly say "good job" and give myself that little but well-deserved pat on the back?
Will it take me a year or two?
Or maybe a decade?
It may be a lifetime searching for the day that never came.

How can that day be here when i keep repeating the same old routines and attitude?
It, seriously, is time to change.

I amaze myself sometimes

Always did last minute work.
Did i say i'll stop procrastinating this year?
Guess its not happening again.

I
Damn
Fail
la
T______T

p/s: im reminiscing the good old 90s songs. :)

Is it just me?

something doesn't feel right

i know something has changed

but i can't quite put my finger on it

is it for better or for worse?

i don't know

i seriously don't

Reality is harsh

it was such a happy atmosphere

u were at our house 

though it looks nothing like the current one but it was our house

u were not alone though

there were some strangers with u

i led u to the living room and got u seated

just when u were about to talk.....

i woke up

laying there dumbfounded

wondering if it was all only a dream

realizing that it was,

i forced myself to sleep again

hoping to have a continuation to it

but there's no continuation

in fact,i had no dreams at all

it got me thinking of the things that u would've said

all possibilities runs through my head

i can't help but miss u all over again

Its frustrating when...

...you don't know what you want in life

looking at people around me,i cant help but envy them at times

everyone seems to have things that they need to do

or at least knows what they want to do

for me,i just take things when they hits me

i don't have my future mapped out

i don't even know what i wanted to do once i graduate

people has been asking

"whats your plan after you graduate?"

"i..i.....i don't know"

thats all i can stuttered

it makes me feel like im wasting my time

i don't wanna turn back one day and think that i've done nothing

i wanna be able to look back and think

"wow, i can't believe i did that"

or

"i finally did it"

i just wanna be worthy enough for myself

its not hard, is it?

I am nothing but a disappointment

Thats what my current msn nick is..

I am so disappointed with myself..
Always regret when its too late..
I should be ashame of myself..
Disappointing those who believes in me again and again..

I always tell myself i'll change my way..
But in the end, nothing is done..

This time..
I meant what i say..
I will change..
Its a promise i made to myself..
Watch me....

Disappointment

you should know very well how important you are to me and yet you keep doing this again and again. are you trying to test our patient? we are at our limit. if you did it once or twice, its fine. but this is the, i don't even know. it happened so many times that i lost count. this also shows how many times that you disappoint me. us. i thought you'll come to your senses if i let you be. i thought one day you'll wake up. i hope. i believe. but now, you did it again. then i know, you can never wake up. 

you always think that we are trying to stop you. you know that we hate what you are doing. have you ever think of the reason why? its because we love you. which is why we wanna stop you from getting hurt. but do you think it this way? NO. i know you too well. you just think that we are trying to stop you for our own good not yours. you think that you are right and we were wrong. you rather believe him. him, who had betrayed you over and over again.

so i had decided. if you wish to continue to believe all those lies, i'll let you. if you wanna turn your back to everyone who cares, fine with me. if you want to continue to bear those pains, don't come crying to me anymore. 

i am now very disappointed in you. 
not angry. 
just. disappointed.

Feelings

People always say that relationship is based on trust
It can't work without trust
Whether you are near or far away,
Its the most important thing to do
But the problem is
How many of us can actually do that?

Humans were born where we have no control of our feelings
We know that jealousy is not right
We should have faith in our other half
But things are always easier said than done
No matter how you deny it
Its in you

Its because we care about them
that the thought of losing them hurts
It scares us
Though we will heal after sometime
But one will always choose to keep things the way they are
Than to have to go through the pain

I guess humans are, afterall, selfish
No matter how perfect that one person is
There's a tiny part deep down inside you is selfish
Its undeniable
Because its the way we are....

To be continue?? 

Love is...

Love is blind..
Its something that we all know and something that we can't control..
It was said that people are the dumbest when they are in love..
They just can't see what's right and what's wrong anymore..
Its like something has blinded their sight and blocking their mind..
They won't listen to others and are willing to live in their own world..
But how long can that last??

Once the magic is gone, you'll wake up..
You'll see how dumb you were and laugh at yourself..
You'll realise that people around you were actually helping you..
Blaming yourself, hating yourself for being stupid..

However..
Even after all that, you still loves him..
You can't let go..
Still holding on to something..
Believing in something..
But what is it??
Hope??

You told yourself that you are wiser now..
You won't fall for the same trick again..
But with just one word from him, you are being pulled back again..
Once again, you believe in all those lies..
You believe that things are finally going right..
You thought that he change..

Then without any warning, it hits you again..
You are hurt all over again..
Crying your heart out..
Laughing at your own stupidity..
Assuring others that you are through with all that..
That you finally wake up..

But you lied..
To me..
To Him..
To everyone..

You repeat your mistakes again..
You know very well the story behind..
You know everything..
You know that he won't change..
So why are you doing this to yourself over and over again??
Why can't you wake up and see the truth??
How long do you plan to do this??
How long do you intend to let us worry about you??

You are so dear to me that I don't wanna see you getting hurt again and again..
This is why I urge you..
I plead you..
WAKE UP..